There’s a part of me that has worked tirelessly for as long as I can remember. It watches closely. It anticipates what others might need. It says yes when I want to say no. It smiles when I feel like crying. It tries so hard to make sure everyone is happy with me—because deep down, it’s afraid that if they’re not, they might leave.
It’s part of why I’m learning how to stop people pleasing—because I’ve realized how much I’ve lost touch with myself in the process.
This is my people-pleasing part.
And for much of my life, it has felt like a survival strategy.
Saying Yes to Stay Safe
Many people want to stop people pleasing, but don’t know where to begin. The truth is, it often starts with understanding the part of us that believes approval equals safety. This part learned early on that being liked meant belonging. Making others comfortable, happy, or proud often meant avoiding conflict, disconnection, or disappointment.
It did its job well. It helped me navigate relationships and social situations. And I truly feel grateful for that. But I’ve also come to realize something else: when this part is always in control, it comes at a cost. If we want to stop people pleasing, we have to get curious about what it’s protecting us from.
The Emotional Cost of People-Pleasing
I’ve become so focused on keeping others happy that I’ve started to lose touch with myself. What I want. What I feel. What I need.
There are moments I’ve said yes—and immediately felt a pang of resentment. Times I’ve smiled through something that hurt. Moments I’ve downplayed my needs because someone else’s seemed more important. Over time, it’s not just exhausting—it’s disorienting.
Instead of creating deeper connection, this pattern often leaves me feeling lonely and unseen. I’ve worked so hard to preserve closeness, but it’s ended up distancing me from myself—and from the people I long to feel closer to.
Is It Just Kindness?
Some parts of me still believe that people-pleasing isn’t about fear—it’s just about kindness. They say, “You just like to make people happy.” And that’s true, to a degree. I do care deeply about others. But when I slow down and listen more closely, I can hear the urgency behind it. The way it feels less like joy and more like pressure. Less like generosity and more like a need to be needed. That’s when I know: this is about something deeper.
A Compassionate Look Through IFS
Through Internal Family Systems (IFS), I’ve learned to see this people-pleasing part with compassion. It’s not wrong. It’s not bad. It’s a protector. It learned to hustle for worth, to anticipate danger, to avoid abandonment. And it believes it’s keeping me safe.
So I don’t try to push it away. Instead, I thank it. I ask what it’s afraid of. I get curious. And I remind it—I’m not alone anymore. I don’t have to earn love to feel secure.
This is how I stop people pleasing: not by shutting others out, but by reconnecting with the part of me that deserves care and attention, too.
Reconnecting with What’s True
This healing is ongoing. I’m learning that real connection comes not from being agreeable—but from being authentic. It comes from showing up as I am, not just as who someone else needs me to be.
Sometimes that means saying no. Sometimes it means disappointing someone. Sometimes it means feeling uncomfortable. But it also means coming home to myself.
And when I show up from that place, I give others permission to do the same.
If you’re asking yourself why do I say yes when I mean no, you’re not alone. You’re not broken. You’re human—and that part of you has a story worth listening to.
Stay with it. Stay with yourself. You deserve to feel seen, chosen, and connected—to others, and most importantly, to yourself.
FAQ: How Do I Stop Being a People Pleaser?
This is one of the most common questions I hear. And it makes sense—people-pleasing can feel like second nature, especially if it once helped you feel safe or accepted. But healing begins by gently getting curious about the part of you that believes saying yes will keep you connected or protected. When you begin to listen to that part with compassion instead of criticism, change becomes possible. It’s not about forcing yourself to say no—it’s about slowly learning that your needs matter, too. And this is exactly how we begin to stop people pleasing—from the inside out.
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