As human beings, we are inherently emotional creatures. Our emotions are central to how we navigate the world, connect with others, and understand ourselves. Yet, in many ways, society teaches us to suppress, dismiss, or ignore certain emotions. From a young age, we learn that anger, sadness, or fear may be “negative” or “undesirable,” while happiness and calm are seen as “positive” and worth pursuing. However, from the perspective of Internal Family Systems (IFS), all emotions have inherent value, serving as guides and messengers from different parts of ourselves. Emotional regulation, contrary to popular belief, is not about controlling or managing emotions. Instead, it is about allowing them to exist, understanding their messages, and learning how to respond without letting them take over. This shift in perspective fosters a deeper connection to ourselves and our inner world.
Emotions: Vital Messengers from Our Parts
In the IFS model, our inner world consists of a constellation of parts, each with its own feelings, thoughts, and intentions. When we suppress emotions, we inadvertently silence these parts, preventing them from fulfilling their role in our internal ecosystem. Each emotion, whether it stems from a protective part like anger or a wounded part like sadness, carries valuable information about our needs, boundaries, and experiences. By allowing ourselves to feel these emotions fully, we can access the wisdom and insight they offer.
The Cost of Suppression: A Backlog of Tangled Emotions
When we suppress or avoid our emotions, they don’t simply disappear. Instead, they settle into our internal system, creating a backlog of unresolved feelings that can feel overwhelming over time. This emotional buildup can manifest as anxiety, depression, or physical discomfort, as our parts strive to be heard in the only ways they know how. Over time, suppressed emotions can entangle with one another, making it challenging to discern what we’re truly feeling or why.
The Body Speaks: Emotions in Sensations and Stories
One of the core tenets of emotional regulation is recognizing that feelings are not purely intellectual. They are embodied experiences, arising in our physical bodies as sensations, tensions, or shifts in energy. The body holds a story—each sensation, ache, or tension is a form of communication from our parts. These sensations speak to us, revealing unresolved emotions, unmet needs, or past experiences seeking acknowledgment. Attempting to “think” our way through emotions often leads to frustration, as it bypasses the body’s natural processing mechanisms. When we turn inward and attune to the physical sensations accompanying our emotions, we create space for healing and self-discovery.
The Role of Self-Energy in Emotional Regulation
In IFS, the Self is the compassionate, curious, and grounded core of our being. When we approach our emotions from a place of Self-energy, we create an internal environment where all parts feel seen, heard, and valued. Instead of judging or dismissing our feelings, we can meet them with curiosity and compassion, asking questions like, “What is this emotion trying to tell me?” or “What does this part need from me right now?”
Emotions as Pathways to Deeper Self-Understanding
Rather than viewing emotions as obstacles, we can see them as opportunities for growth and self-awareness. Each feeling provides a unique lens through which we can better understand our inner landscape. For example, anger might reveal a boundary that has been crossed, while sadness may point to a longing for connection or a need for grieving. By embracing the full spectrum of our emotions, we gain a richer, more nuanced understanding of ourselves and our needs.
Practical Steps to Engage with Your Emotions
- Pause and Notice: When an emotion arises, take a moment to pause and observe it without judgment. Where do you feel it in your body? What sensations arise?
- Name the Emotion: Simply naming the emotion can create a sense of distance and clarity. For example, “I notice a part of me feels angry right now.”
- Be Curious: Approach the emotion with curiosity. Ask, “What is this feeling trying to tell me?” or “What does this part need?”
- Invite Self-Energy: Remind yourself that you, as the Self, are separate from your emotions. This creates space for you to respond with compassion and wisdom.
- Express and Process: Find healthy ways to express and process your emotions, whether through journaling, talking to a trusted friend, or engaging in creative activities.
Conclusion
Our emotions are not problems to be solved but allies to be embraced. By experiencing and honoring the full range of our feelings, we allow ourselves to live more authentically and deeply. In doing so, we not only foster greater emotional regulation but also cultivate a more compassionate relationship with ourselves and our inner world. Remember, every emotion has a place and purpose in our journey toward wholeness. If you would like to learn more about emotional regulation, please reach out and we can figure this out together.
